august 12

large gaps of silence speak volumes

Liz pointed out to me that I haven't been writing. And, I know this. And, I feel guilty about it, not because I think you all care so much, but I think I'll regret not recording this in more detail. I wish I was more like Jessamyn. She started her pregnancy journal before she was even pregnant! And she writes beautifully.

I once read, in a book about journaling, that large gaps in writing speak as much about a person's life than do long stretches of prolific detail. They say this person is out in the world, learning new things, pushing their energy outward, connecting with other people, that they're in active mode and not reflective mode. And that all these things are good and make for a better writer over the long haul.

I know this is part of what's going on with me, but as I get closer to having this baby, I feel my energy turning inward and I want more reflection time. I spend my quiet times now reading about what to expect during labor, other birth stories, trying to make lists of all the things that we need to do. Really, this feels like active work, not reflective time. There is so much to do--especially at work--and I'm getting less and less done every day. I'm also finding that I resent how much I have to do, how little help I have, how much brain power is required of me and how little of it I actually have. I don't doubt that writing would help me work this out.

But, it's the beginning of the work day and I have to keep pushing through. I will try very hard to write this evening. A* comes home from a business trip and we'll want some time together, but I think I'll just ask him for some time alone, too, after dinner. There are a lot of things I want to capture right now.

- august 12