may 5

and then sometimes they turn out fine anyway

So busy. But I'm really trying to update here, even if I don't have time to really write anything coherent.

It's a girl.

I'm having a daughter. People tried to tell me otherwise, but I always knew. I thought having a girl would be easier (boys from age 9-13 are abhorrent to me), but now I wonder what the hell I was thinking. I have to raise a daughter to be a woman. Holy shit. I just now kind of figured all that out. I'd better start taking notes.

Beverly is back in town. She told me it was a boy and that she's NEVER wrong. A woman at a deli yesterday told me it was a boy. I think people think I'm carrying high, or low, or whatever the old wives' tale is, but they don't realize I'm carrying this baby the only way I can--in my belly--and it's actually all full. Not high or low. The only way to go from here on out is out.

***

A*'s company got an offer from the suitor company. But the all-company email was very cautious, as it should be, I guess. They said it was good they got the offer, but they want to negotiate, and the whole thing could fall through. So don't get your hopes up. Okie-dokie.

***

My brother's wedding is Saturday. Thank holy Jesus. Our yard is all ready (sod, new shurbs, new wall, new perennials, new containers). The bride and groom sound totally disorganized. (Yes, you have to get a tent. You think people don't want to stand under a tent? Do you think they'll want to stand out in the rain?) I forget that not everyone organizes stuff for a living. I have to exercise restraint and patience. And just have a good time.

My brother's best man is the guy I lost my virginity to. Haven't seen him in years. I met him at the last wedding, 14 years ago. This should be interesting.

***

Andi is not leaving! Yay! But we're still hiring another project manager b/c we're so busy. A salary I hadn't figured for this quarter. Much nail biting. Still, this is the only way we can get ahead. Make me more available for new biz. And then somehow get me to quit thinking about this baby inside of me every damned second of the day.

This baby. Who is a girl. Who is my daughter. And who I love more than I will let myself articulate. As if saying it out loud will somehow mean this love can be taken away from me. I want to keep it close, hidden behind my heart, and save it up and only give it away to her after she's outside of me.

More later. I have funny pregnant woman stories. The hormones have finally hit.

- may 5