april 27

things never go quite the way you planned

So it's been a month and we still don't know what's going on with A*'s job. They have a suitor company who is interested in them but it will take them longer to make a deal than A*'s company has. In two weeks, they're outta cash. The good news is that as the suitor has been going about their due diligence, they've heard great things about A* from his Fortune 500 clients. That has to count for something. They would at least keep him if they did buy the company.

The other glitch is that they're based out of Texas and Silicon Valley and it isn't clear if they'd expect people to move eventually. Knowing how A*'s company operates and who's there, that isn't likely to happen without a lot of pain, so hopefully they'll let that go. We don't want to move. We could never have the standard of living in California that we have here and we just don't want to go to Texas, even though it would be one of the more livable cities. It's just too far from family and we wouldn't know a soul. With a baby on the way, it's just not an appealing idea.

****

Andi, my project manager, gave her notice. Her father has been ill and he isn't going to get better and she wants to move back to Southern Oregon and be closer to him. I was pretty devastated, but it's not like I didn't see it coming. She'd been an emotional mess for a few weeks. She says there isn't anything I could have done to make her want to stay, but I can't help but think that the nightmare, abusive client we've had since she started could have been handled differently. I don't know how, because they're getting a great site and they've had a lot of attention. They've been reasonable for the last few months, but I know all the screaming from our main contact really took a toll on her. And the irony is that we only took them on as a client so we could afford to hire her.

It's going to be impossible to replace her. Our junior designer, a 28-year-old guy, cried. She is such a calming presence in our office. She always knows the reasonable thing to do, even if she does depend on me to make the hard decisions. But that's how I like it--she takes care of the day-to-day, I take care of the things that could put the account at risk. We're a good team. Andi is also just a very, very cool person. We would definitely be friends outside of work if I wasn't her boss. It's important for me to keep those lines clear, but sometimes its hard. I just dig her. And she's been so excited about the baby and doesn't mind hearing all the crazy and mundane and important things I'm going through. She loves it all. She even told me that going through this with me has helped her mend a relationship with a friend who is now pregnant since she has an idea of what the friend is going through.

So, I've been interviewing new people. It's kind of incredible, the kinds of resumes I'm getting. People who've been software engineers since I was in kindergarten, people with no web experience at all, on and on. One girl was a possible candidate, though she was pretty junior, until she announced at the end of the 1.5 hour interview that she'd be in France for 5 weeks this summer. Uh, whatever. Thanks for wasting my afternoon.

I did find someone I really liked yesterday. She's anxious to get back into agency life after taking survival jobs for the last year and a half. She has that project manager intensity (although I did prefer Andi's even-keel personality as a balance to my own), she's very bright, and she clearly likes to jump into things. She started talking to Lisa the second she walked in the door. She'd be the best replacement I think I could find.

****

The baby is growing and so is my belly. I'm just over four months and I'm showing like I'm at least 5. Everyone knows now, only because it's so obvious. Even strangers see that I'm pregnant.

Some days I feel lots of movement, some days I don't. A few days ago it was actually jumping. Today and most of this weekend I haven't felt much at all. I've also had a lot of growing and stretching pains this week so maybe it just has more room in there and isn't bumping me so much. This seems to be a pattern--I grow some more, then don't feel the baby much for a week or so.

We had a little grandparent drama this week. A*'s mom and stepfather (referred to from here on as "parents") wanted us to get a digital camera and a DV cam, so we can send them pictures. They wanted to help pay for it and asked my mom and my dad to participate. My parents didn't appreciate being told what they were going to buy for us, and they both seemed to think a camera wasn't at the top of the list of things we need right now (I agreed). After several tense conversations, where A* was the most tense of anyone, and I had to play mediator, it all got worked out and A*'s parents are fine, and I guess mine are, too. I certainly didn't expect any of this; when we got married everyone gave us cash and told us to do whatever we wanted. But that was *our* wedding. I guess it's a little different when it's *their* grandchild. Everyone wants a say. On top of the camera, A*'s parents are coming to town this week to buy us more stuff. I don't even know what I want. I guess I better figure that out 'cause they won't be back until September.

I dream about the baby almost every night. I can't wait to meet it. I'm now enjoying being pregnant, but I've always been pretty ambivalent about the whole thing. I just want a baby. Of course, I want it to take all the time it needs because we're really no where near being ready and, obviously, it has a lot of work to do before its ready. But I really am looking forward to that moment when I get to hold it. And kiss it. And snuggle it. And hold it between A* and me and know that we're a family.

- april 27