march 4

ten weeks

It's amazing how a person who is only about an inch tall can hold so much power over your life. This will be my best attempt at an entry. Please don't expect too much. And yes, I'll post about my thoughts about birth control and doctors and such as soon as I can form a coherent thought. That hasn't happened for a few weeks.

Until today, I was afraid my brain would never function properly again. I put two and two together and decided I'm anemic and took an iron pill, drank a bunch of water, ate a two-egg omelet and treated myself to some hot chocolate. I felt mostly normal. It even eased most of the gagging. I don't have nausea exactly, I just gag constantly and occasionally puke. It's a great trick when you're on the phone with clients

I'll be ten weeks tomorrow. It's crazy how fast this is going. I know I will be singing a different tune in a few months. But when you tick off time in weeks, rather than months, like you do the first trimester, it goes quickly. But really, this first tri can't end any sooner. People keep telling me the second tri is easier, although I know it's a crap shoot. My friend Mel felt like shit the whole nine months. Her ever sensitive husband asked, "Aren't you supposed to be glowing?" She was just green the whole time.

Something that's dawning on me, though (see how quick a learner I am?), is that even after this first tri is over, my life will not go back to "normal." It never will again. I will be tired for the next 5 years. I will never be able to work 15 hours a day again. My job will never be as important to me as this baby will. In fact, I know I've already made the mental shift. The trick is, this isn't just a job where I can ask my boss if I can cut back to half-time. I have to find an operations person. I think that's going to be more important than a sales person, which I thought was my next hire.

Sorry. Work anxiety tangent. I have those a lot lately.

Last night A* and I were pouring over a baby name book. I like old fashioned German names. Like Wilhelmina and Gustav and Wilhelm. I don't think I'd ever actually name a child any of these names, although I would name a boy Gerhard after my grandfather if A* would let me. We started playing this game about how we'd torture this child by telling her that if she doesn't take out the trash, we're going to change her name to something hideous. "It's not too late to change that birth certificate, you know," A* said in his best dad voice. "And just think of what it will be like the first day of school when the teacher calls out for Dorcus Henrietta!"

We are sick people. We are already planning for our child's neuroses.

- march 4