december 26

holidays, marriage and divorce

Happy Boxing Day!

I still don't completely understand what Boxing Day is. I think it may have something to do with exchanging the presents you got for Christmas but didn't like. Or maybe it's the day you clean up all the wrapping and boxes that you were too drunk to take care of the previous day.

Anyway, for us it's still Christmas because we haven't done presents yet, although my brothers, A* and I had dinner with my mom at her house on Christmas Eve. Ah, the joys of a many-divorced family. It's usually my older brother's custody sharing with his ex-wife that causes the greatest scheduling challenge for us. Christmas just isn't Christmas without my niece and nephew so we wait until they're done with their holiday with their mom so we can all get together as a family. Then we go to Walla Walla for Christmas with my dad and his wife.

It's all a little crazy and was made even a little crazier this year because my friend David, who lives in NYC, is in town with his wife and new baby (the one that probably saved her life on 9/11), so I had to keep a night open for him. David is something of a procrastinator so it took a while to pin down a night. This was driving my mother crazy because then everyone was working around my schedule and on Tuesday she called me every freakin' hour asking for a schedule update. Which made me a little cranky. Now our evening with David is set for Friday. We'll share Shabbat dinner with his family. So it was actually the Orthodox Jews that made our Christmas scheduling. Not the divorcees.

***

Over Thanksgiving my niece, Alicia, who is twelve, told me that my brother (her dad), John, and his girlfriend, Jennifer, are getting married in May. Thanksgiving dinner came and went and they didn't make an announcement. I kept it to myself. I figured there was a reason they weren't telling. All month they were quiet. Then, at dinner on Christmas Eve John blurts out, "So the wedding reception will either be at mom's house or your house." Nice, John. My mother, who had no idea, blinked silently. Jennifer was mortified. My brother is so slick.

I did quickly accept the "invitation." I may be crazy, but I work well under deadline. This means I have until May 1st to get my bathroom done (oh, the sad state of the bathroom--peeling paper, bad glazing on all the fixtures), get my backyard landscaped, figure out what to do about the deck (Demolish it and put in a patio? Reshape it so it flows with the plantings better?), and get my container garden planted. I've already decided that I'm going to just pick some pre-made perennial garden design from one of my plant catalogues. I don't have time to try to make a plan. I'll pick some large shrubs and small trees for structure, put in some herbs, and the rest will come via mail order. It'll be cheaper that way, too.

There are a million other little things to attend to as well. The back yard lawn has to be redone, since A* totally fucked it up with his tractor last fall as he replaced the soil in the big bed. I have to move the composter, no small feat. The dry wall around the back door has to be finished, the last task from an almost completed project many years ago. The garage has to be painted.

I need another list.

***

I'm putting this at the end because I almost don't want to talk about it. I can't go into a lot of detail, for reasons that will become obvious, but I'll share the pertinent details. I'm in a business relationship with someone who has been a family friend for 16 years. I was her kid's nanny the summer before I was in high school. Her husband and mine are motorcycle buddies. Her husband has done work for my company. We have other important friends in common. She's much older than me, in her 50s, but has been a good friend for a long time.

I made an informal proposition to change the nature of our business relationship. In fact, I asked to call it off. What I was asking wasn't outrageous, but I asked for what I wanted, and gave my reason why, which were totally reasonable. I just wanted to see if she'd be open to the idea. We left this conversation, which happened over afternoon cocktails, happy and friendly. Apparently, though, we have very different recollections of what we agreed to.

Thus began a long, sad deterioration of a friendship, strain and awkwardness for all sorts of other people who shouldn't be affected, and a lot of legal shit for me to deal with. I know I'm in the right, everyone agrees I am, and she's acting desperate and greedy. At times I'm calm and detached and just see this as part of my job running a company. Other times I stare out the window wondering how someone who has been a good friend would want to wreck everything I've worked so hard to build, especially when it will only hurt herself in the long run. I wonder how all this ugliness and anger and spending money on lawyers could possibly be worth it to her.

I know one thing: I know where "friendship" and "money" fall in order on her list if priorities.

***

Christmas is in 2 hours. I should be wrapping presents.

- december 26