december 11

preparation

So remember how at the end of last summer I was mostly convinced I was going to die at any moment, but then I decided that, since I didn't die, that all this feeling of impending doom simply meant that my life was about to completely change?

Well, I see that happening. And I can barely keep up. I don't even have time right now to write it all out, although I really want to because it's starting to happen and it's happening faster and faster every day.

I'm good at making lists. Here's a list:

1. My old cat, Friday, is coming to the end. She has terrible skin cancer and is starting to feel pain. She is almost sixteen. The end is near and I have to find the courage to help her end it before she becomes miserable. This will be the hardest thing I have ever done. I've had her since I was 13, the year my parents divorced, the year I started high school in a new school district across town, the year my entire life changed. Besides my family, she is the longest-lived and only important constant in my life.

2. I ran into my oldest friend in the world, Laurel, at Target last Sunday. We came face-to-face in the paper towel eisle. She looks exactly the same, only she's straightening her spiral curly hair. (Why? Why? cried the stringy-haired girl who envied her locks) I breathed her name. We hugged. I cried. We talked for a half hour. I'm sure I babbled. We're meeting tomorrow night. It's been seven years. One summer, when we were 12, we sat on my back deck and tied embroidery thread into hundreds of knots to make friendship bracelets. We knew each other so well we only had to say half-words to convey complete thoughts, only had to point at something to tell a whole story.

Laurel gave me Friday, when Friday was about three months old. She was part of a small litter of stray kitties that lived behind Laurel's house. Laurel was fast and caught the black, orange and white furrball which we took home to my mom. ("Mom, can we keep her? Puhleeez?) At first, Friday hid under the long drapes in the living room until we got her a companion kitten, Frankie. Later, Friday would get very fat and would spread herself out flat on the hardwood floors. We called her "The Rug."

Laurel gave me Friday, the summer my entire life changed. My dad moved out for good, I left all my childhood friends behind when I went to the new school, even Laurel moved to a new town.

Can you see the full circle here?

3. Last weekend, we did not practice any kind of pregnancy prevention. In a few weeks I'll know what will come of that. Last week, I walked into a room of colleagues and my friend, Michelle, whispered to my friend Lora, "Is Katherine pregnant?"

4. At a PR agency's Christmas party, a palm reader told me that I have "little general hands" and that I have an intense creativity that I have trouble articulating.

Check. I have two consultants, one business the other PR, trying to work for me and I have no idea how to direct and guide them so they can do their jobs and meet my expectations.

The palm reader told me that this is my life's challenge, but that it was absolutely within my power to overcome this, since I'm destined to be a creative leader.

At the same party, a tarot card reader told me that as soon as I give up my fears surrounding money and accept a simplified life I will be ready to have a baby [see #3, I'll let you know if the predicted sequence of events comes to pass].

I seem to be getting the opportunity to test this theory out. A*'s company will be laying off people at the end of the week. We refinanced our house to have more breathing room. We've figured out how to pay our taxes. My company is slammed through Q1 and will deliver Xmas bonuses. I have no idea if I've licked my money fears, or if I'm just too busy and tired to worry about money right now.

5. Over Thanksgiving, I bonded with my 12-year-old niece. Her life is about to change in every way. She's going to a new school in a school district across town (she'll go to my high school), her dad, my older brother, is getting remarried, and her aunt (me) forced her to quit being a wallflower and made her play in the post-turkey day football game with a bunch of advertising and marketing people she'd never met. She had a blast.

The night before Thanksgiving, we were in the grocery store, looking for lemon juice, and she asked me, "When are you going to have a baby?"

Can you see the full circle here?

- december 11