trust and confidence

november 12

It's been an interesting couple of days.

I hit a very rough patch with one of my most important clients. We're definitely on the mend, but it was scary there for a while. In some ways, it's my fault, although there are things on their end that I wish they'd done differently. Still, when it comes down to it, it was my responsibility to blow the whistle and I didn't and all the things I was afraid would happen did happen. And the reason I didn't blow the whistle is because I let some personal insecurity come into play and it bit me in the ass. I thought this contact at this company didn't like me and I acted defensively and she took it as disrespect for her. There were a lot of other things that plagued this project but when it comes down to it, I didn't manage the account the best way I know how and I ignored the pit in my stomach. It's been a really valuable learning experience. I just hope the price isn't as high as losing the client's confidence forever.

I can't help but wonder if this is a big wake-up call for me on other levels. There are a few other relationships that I've either neglected or just plain disrespected for a whole host of really stupid excuses. And a few of them are probably too far gone to mend. Like my hairdresser. I know that sounds stupid, but it's true. I have an emotionally high maintenance hairdresser who wanted me to do a bunch of things for her and I didn't have time and it took me way too long to tell her this. And now I have really bad hair. And a lot of apologizing to do if I want to make up with her.

I'm not sure why I do this. I know that I'm more likely to avoid someone if I know that the problem in the relationship is stemmed in some screw up or misunderstanding on my part, even if that person played a role in it. Like if someone pushes me or asks something of me that I don’t want to or can't give, I'll retreat. It's a really bad way of dealing with people.

This isn't always the case. I'll tell Polly exactly where I stand, and she does the same for me. She'll even tell me to fuck off when I don't deserve it and then I tell her to go to hell and then we give each other a little space and then it's all over with. There isn't even a need to discuss it. But then I have a whole other slew of friends who can't seem to handle honesty (even when it's put as delicately as possible) and it makes me really uncomfortable.

Like Beverly. Haven't talked to her since last summer when, after she was going on and on about loyalty to her husband (who she was divorcing) who happens to be both an insensitive asshole and a closeted homosexual, I told her it was okay to be loyal to their friendship but that didn't mean she had to stay married to him. Whoa. Apparently, that wasn't the thing to say. She blew up at me and I haven't really talked to her since. Except when she was trying to get me to join her therapy cult.

And I just walk away from these people. These people that I really care about. Why do I do this? Why don't I take another stab at it and see if I can make myself understood, make it clear that I'm coming from a place of love, and repair the relationship? I don't know. I've been trying to tune into the Universe and take in the messages coming at me. Trying to live in line with my purpose. These are things I used to believe in very strongly and walked away from some time ago. (Ok, and just so I can lighten this entry up, I'll tell you that one of the things that got me to start thinking about this again is this show.) I think this whole experience with my client may have been the Universe's way of getting my attention since everyone knows the best way to make me take notice is have something come up in my business. I tend to ignore eveything else except for my marriage and Polly. Hmm.

- november 12