september 11

untitled

This morning I woke up much earlier than I had last year, but I didn't actually get myself out of bed until I heard violins and a man reading a list of names. I realized it was a year to the moment when I'd heard that a plane had hit the WTC, when I assumed it was a Cessna, and I'd hit snooze. This morning I didn't hit snooze. I climbed out of bed and started the coffee. It was done dripping into the carafe about the same time, a year ago, I'd thought I'd heard something about a second plane, but assumed, in my sleepy stupor that morning, that I was imagining things. Until A* shook me awake and said, "Are you listening to this?"

***

A moment of silence in Washington. This is the moment when I'd thought the news people were going nuts, getting all worked up about some little boom a reporter had heard. "Calm down, people," I'd told the TV, irritated. I thought they were sensationalizing, spreading false rumors. And then the anchor informed us that a plane had hit the Pentagon. I looked at A* . "The whole world is coming to an end." A* just starred at the television.

***

"They're burning," I'd said. A* assured me they wouldn't fall.

"They're made of steel," he'd said. "They're made to withstand this.” We would learn in documentaries in the months later the details of the towers' structural vulnerabilities. Actually, we would learn that in the next ten minutes.

"But they're burning," I'd whispered.

***

That morning I kept my coffee date with my old boss from The Big Agency. We met in a cafe a few blocks from my office, where the news radio was blaring what we already knew, over and over again. The day before that, September 10th, I had taken over the company. This was my second day as a CEO. The old boss (who is not old, only 35), grilled me about the challenges of running a company, asked me if I was up for it. I'm sure he didn't think I was. I wasn't sure I was. All I knew was that I'd just taken on the biggest challenge of my life, under the worst circumstances, and I was worried, but determined. And then the world came to an end. Except that we had to go on anyway.

Today, one year later, I had a meeting with my business advisor and our concerns are that we have too much work, we're making too much money, and we're going to get slammed on taxes. These are nice problems to have. I’m still shocked when I think about how well we’re doing.

Several friends have told me that they don't feel like the world is really that different than it was before September 11th. I look back on this year and I know all the hard work and the sacrifices I made for this company, for this dream, were worth it. But I also look back on this year and wonder if it would have been different had it not started with this tragedy. In those dark winter months, any time I started to feel sorry for myself, I looked at the names I'd copied down onto a post-it and stuck on my monitor: Sandler O'Neil. I would look at those names and think about how hard the people in that firm were working to save their company, under the weight of such overwhelming grief, when most would just give up. If they could do that under those circumstances, I could do this. Comparatively, my job was easy. I had no excuses.

I'm certainly not saying that I feel like I've "benefited" from these attacks and what they did to this country in the aftermath. But I can't deny that the realization that life could be short and that if I gave up I had let a terrorist win forced me to commit to what was important to me, and that the courage of the people who were directly affected by the attacks inspired me. My friends may not think the world is fundamentally different, but I know I am.

***

When I left my house this morning my neighbor, Carleton, who usually waves with a big smile, flashed me a somber peace sign, his fingers forming a V, his eyes red. As I drove down my little street toward the freeway entrance I saw that at least five houses had fresh, new American flags waving from their front porches. And that's when I lost it. But, after a few minutes, I pulled it back together. And I went on to a pretty great day.

I spent a year mourning, and I will always be sad when I think of that day. But I have never been so grateful to be alive, so mindful of my blessings. I am ready to go on and honor the dead by making the most of my life.

- september 11