august 17

new

I don't know what else to call this entry. The point of this one is to get that last one off the front page.

I think I'm fine. After I posted that I started to feel better. I really think this is my own little bizare post-9/11 PTSD. I've been keenly aware of my own mortality since my cousin died in a car accident 10 years ago. Young people do die. And I've always know it could be me. But I've always said I would never "live everyday like it was my last" because I would never get it all done, you know? I just have to keep doing what I'm doing.

My friend Mel had her baby shower today. She's due in one month, A*'s birthday. She's glowing. She's finally excited. She's not what you'd call the "earth mother" type. She's a type-A career woman in her mid-30s. But she's excited now. It will be great to have a baby around again.

Polly wouldn't come to the shower b/c this is the day her ex is getting married and she's convinced she's going to be old, childless and alone so she couldn't do a baby shower. I wish I could help her. I can't. Unless I can find a man for her. And fuck if I haven't been trying to for two years.

I'm going to contact my oldest, best friend from childhood today. We haven't spoken in six years. I don't know why. She pulled away in hs, after her family moved to the country, and even more after college. She didn't come to my wedding. I left her in peace. But now I miss her. I want to know someone who knew me then. Maybe because I feel like I'm back to myself, the girl I was when I was 12. Have you ever heard that theory, that girls often find themselves between 10 & 12 and then lose themselves in the teen years? I think there's truth to that. I feel as confident and sure as I did when I was 12, only I don't worry about zits and boys anymore. And I want to see what happened to her. And I hope the competitiveness is gone. I think that's what got us.

Beautiful day and I'm spending it working. Summer is almost over. I hope we get a little more in September. I've missed the last 6 weeks.

But I'm looking forward to fall. New beginnings. Like in school days. Like when I was 12.

- august 17