august 16

i may regret posting this

I have consumed a frightening amount of caffeine this morning. Not on purpose. I just went to Coffee People instead of Starbucks and WOW it’s the difference between…I don’t know…straight dope and laced dope. Not that I really know what I’m talking about but what I’m trying to say is that this latte is fucking STRONG. I’m totally buzzing and can’t shut my mouth. It doesn’t help that I have a lot going on anyway so I’m keyed up but now I’m totally twitching and I can’t focus on anything. Of all days to feel like this. But I’m actually liking it, in a sick way. This is why I will never give up coffee. It’s an addiction and I really don’t care. I don’t smoke, I drink a little wine now and then (well more than that, but if I had to quit I wouldn’t miss it) but I will never give up coffee. I refuse. I like the buzz. This is just a bit much today.

I hired a project manager last night. This is the first time I’ve hired an employee. I’m actually hiring someone who will take over what has been my main role in my company so I can focus on building the business and bringing in new clients. I’m scared out of my mind, not because I don’t trust her, but because I don’t want to fail her. You see, three years ago, I went to work for two guys who were trying to do what we’re doing and it was a disaster. That was the little design shop that became The Big Agency when they got bought a month after I started (they never warned me when I was interviewing) and thus began the worst year of my life. I never want to put someone through what I went through. But this has to be done. I can’t keep doing both. It won’t work and we will fail. I have to do this. I hope I can meet her expectations over time.

And I say over time because the first few months are going to be interesting. I have to go into full-on sales mode and fill up quarter four. And we have to move. That’s where I’ve been all morning—looking at office space. But before we move she and I will be crammed into my office which is also the conference room. Fortunately, our clients don’t come over here a lot so we can live without the conference table. I hope I don’t drive her crazy. I worry about this because I am a spaz. I am always going a million miles an hour. I usually have it all under control but it doesn’t look like that to other people. I hope I don’t freak her out. It’s good timing for our clients because she is coming in at the beginning of projects and can develop a relationship with them without them feeling like they’ve been handed off. But it will still be a trial.

I’m about to switch gears on you. Hang on.

I am one of those people who has always suspected she will die young. I don’t want to, this isn’t a wish, but it’s been there. And for the last few years it’s been there more. When I turned 28 last November I felt it was close and was very rattled because the night of my birthday, as I was driving through a deluge of rain on my way to have dinner with my husband, I was almost in a horrible car accident.

But here it is 10 months later and I’m still here and I wonder if I’m just melodramatic, if the events of last September are just causing me to make shit up in my head. This has been one of the most amazing years of my life. One of the hardest, but I know now that I can take anything. It’s been the year where I get set up. Everything I’ve worked for since I was 13 is happening. I will be pissed if it ends now. Pissed. Like I’ll be here to be pissed but you know what I mean. I’m pissed now. Pissed that this is still hanging over me and now I have an actual date echoing in my head and I will be doing something potentially dangerous that day. But I don’t want to be a big baby and bail on it because I could just be crazy.

We were at a picnic out at a friend’s house a few weeks ago and I looked around this yard and saw all the people who have come into my life in the last few years and felt so blessed. I also felt like I was surrounded by death, like I was being followed. I felt like this was a farewell party. And I feel this compulsion to call everyone I have been out of touch with over the last few years and tell them what they’ve meant to me. And I was at my uncle’s last weeked seeing my cousin’s widow and her 10 year old daughter. This cousin died in a car wreck ten years ago. I was closer to him than anyone in my extended family and it’s ten years later and I am still not over his death and think about him everyday. And while we were sitting on the patio under the umbrella I felt him there. I’ve never felt him close by and I’ve been angry that he didn’t say goodbye to me, big baby that I am. And he was there that night and it was nice but it also chilled me. Because. Well. I don’t want to be on that side. Not yet.

I know this sounds crazy and I don’t even know if I will post this because my brother reads this and it will scare him. I just hope someone will laugh at me and tell me what really going on and why I feel this so I can get over it and move on.

But other than that. Life is awesome. I’ve never been happier or more excited or felt I was finally becoming me with the life I’ve always wanted. So much love and joy and happiness. And caffeinne. It’s a good day.