june 30

welcome back, pamie

I've been away. Same old reason: work is busy. But that's good. Very, very good. I've closed a few big contracts over the last 6 weeks, a few little ones, too, things I didn't even go after, they just came to us after I did some basic marketing and spoke at an industry event. I've actually hired a consultant, the one that helped us stay afloat last year, to help us manage the growth. I'm proud and excited but I know all too well that this is the stage that is the most critical. One bad move now could be more disasterous than what we went through last Fall just trying to keep it all together.

Something that's a little surprising to me is that I'm getting kudos and support from the boys that I thought I could never impress. I was at an industry mixer last week and ran into this sales guy I know. "How's biz?" he asked. I smiled and said "It's great!" For the rest of the night he told everyone that I was the only person in the room who could actually smile sincerely and say that and be believed. In fact, he told this story to The Old Boss from The Big Agency, with whom I'm still friendly, who then hi-fived me and declared me "Kick Ass." And if you knew The Old Boss, and what a master sales guy he is (we used to call him The Snake Charmer), you'd know what kind of complement that is.

I feel strange talking about this, like if I keep tooting my own horn, it will all shatter and come crashing down around me. But I've been through so much to get here, there's very little that can really scare me now. Not even defeat or failure.

Which leads me to the event that's prompted me to end my little hiatus and come here to bring up this whole idea of hard work and success: Pamie is back!

For those of you who don't know (and the only way that could be possible is if you're very new to the online journal scene or if you never venture out of Diaryland), Pamela Ribbon kept an almost daily journal, Squishy, for several years. She chronicaled her days and nights in Austin, Texas with Cal the pschotic cat and Taylor zee Frahnch kitty, her actor-boy and her gigantic group of actor-writer-comedien friends (I could never keep track of them all). Then she moved to LA, survived those months of transition everyone goes through when they make the biggest decisions of their lives, and came out of it on her feet, walking the path she set out to walk.

When Pamie ended her journal last summer, I wasn't surprised (even she said the story had "arched") but I was sad. I felt like someone important to me had moved away, but someone who wasn't such a close friend that we'd would keep in touch. I'm not really into emailing journalers, as I've said before, although I did email Pamie once or twice, usually just to say I'd peed my pants laughing at something she'd written.

My attachment to her journal stemmed from the fact that I started reading her when I was stuck at my boring job at the Post House, feeling there was no way I would ever be able to do the work I really wanted to do. At first Pamie was just a diversion at work; she updated daily and could be counted on for a good story. Then, as her career started to take on momentum, all because of her own hard work and determination, she became a role model. Here was this chick about my age working very hard to get where she wanted to be, and was absolutely fearless. Or at least she never let her fear hold her back. Me, I was all Fear and What Ifs and I Could Never Do That. I really thought that I had made so many missteps that I'd backed myself into a corner I'd never get out of. Looking back, I have no idea why, at the age of 24, I thought this was all there'd ever be for me, but I did.

At the time, I had very few good girlfriends. This was all before Polly and Beverly and the women friends I have now. I was lonely and depressed and I had no idea what to do about it. I can't say that Pamie gave me step-by-step instructions (I know she was making it up as she went) but she told the story of a girl who knows she has talent, who knows she has something to stay, and who will work her ass off until she gets what she wants. She showed me, and all the other young women who read her (I love that she's really popular among teenaged girls) that taking risks are scary but worth it. Seeing Pamie make these declarations, act on them, and then suceed was all I really needed to grit my teeth and just go for it. And not give up.

And look at us now. Pamie has two agents, her writing has been rejected by the top people in the biz (if you're a writer you know this is actually something to brag about) and she has a book coming out next year. And I have a happy little company that forces me to do the things that scare me most until they don't scare me anymore and I am the most fearless thing on the planet. Almost.

Here's to all of us chicks who've worked our asses off and made it. Welcome back, Pamie. I can't wait to read the sequel.

- june 30