march 21

poop or get off the pot

Ay, what a week. I'm still sick and had to resort to taking a prescription strength cough syrup at night so I can sleep, and so A* can sleep. It completely knocks me out and I sleep okay, but I'm still drugged when I wake up and I feel tired for the rest of the day. I don't understand why I'm so rundown. I'm on week three of being sick, which has never happened to me in my adult life. Highly annoying.

So. Babies. We haven't really talked much more about them. We have agreed that we won't be starting anything until I'm totally healthy again. So I've got some time to work out all the other issues.

I accepted a long time ago that I will never be able to do a lot of things I've always wanted to do. I made that choice when I decided to share my life with someone else. But. Wow. I had not planned on living my whole adult life in Portland, getting married and having babies before I did anything else. I know, I know. Running a creative agency is no small feat. But you know what? It's not rocket science. It's just a lot of work and a lot of time. Not difficult, just consuming. And emotionally draining.

Last night A* reminded me last night that when we were finishing up with school there was a reporting job open at a small paper in Alameda. He'd wanted me to apply for it. I didn't think I had a chance in hell of getting it. My only clips were from my school paper, which sucked ass, although my clips weren't that bad. He told me that he thought I could have been a great reporter and if I'd tried for that job maybe we could have stayed in the Bay Area.

This all came out of no where. I had no idea he thought it was because of me that we moved back to Portland. And that I should have tried harder to be a reporter. I suppose it's true. When I graduated from college I was at one of my lowest points. I was totally insecure, disappointed in my college experience, and totally lost. I just wanted to go back to Portland and regroup.

Shortly after we got back, I completely scrapped the idea of being a reporter, for what were a lot of dumb reasons I realize now. I went into advertising, which I had always been attracted to, but didn't think it was a particularly noble profession compared to journalism. By this time I was so dissolution with everything I thought I believed in, I was firmly convinced that the world was just fucked and there was no remedy for any of it. So why not have fun? Advertising was fun. I really liked the creative aspect of the work. The people are hip, they have good parties and I hadn't really had any fun since high school. Why not? That's when I committed myself to the Big Post House and got on this track.

And now I'm here. I feel like I've gone over this story a million times. And now I'm here. And what's the problem? It's not that I'm not making as much money as I used to, although that's probably number 3 or 4 on the list. It's that...none of this really matters. I mean, I know that at one level, it does. I have a strong grasp of the concept of capitalism. I know that I help my clients grow their businesses which employ a lot of people. Hundred of people. Their businesses buy from other companies that employ thousands of people. And on. I know that many of the people who work at my client companies are realizing their dreams and that I can be a part of this. That's important and it counts.

And then there are my dreams.

When I was a kid I first wanted to be an actress. Then I wanted to be a writer. Then I wanted to be a television producer and do children's TV. That was how I was going to save the world. Make quality kids programming. Then I changed majors, because the school I transferred to didn't have a TV department, and decided to become a reporter. And that's how I was going to save the world.

For the last six months, I've wanted to do something that helps. Someone. I don't have illusions of saving the world. I'd be happy to just do something for my neighborhood for now.

I also know that I won't be happy unless there is some creative aspect to my work. It doesn't have to be visually artistic necessarily, but I really do love working with artists.

So. I've got some ideas brewing. It's now or never. It doesn't mean I'll necessarily quit the business. It's going to well now. I just need to work on some other things on the side. To see where my true passions are now.

- march 21