february 26

my whirlwind life

A big catch up entry.

Last week was the longest most torturous week of my life. Longer than any hell week in college, although I'm aware that time has dulled the memories of sleep deprivation and anxiety that was my junior and senior years. Last week, I went about four days on about 10 hours of sleep. Total. And that's not 4 hours a night, which I've done and survived amazingly well. That's like one here, two there, four here, three there. By Wednesday I felt like I was on mushrooms. And that, as you know, was the middle of the week. By Friday I didn't really feel much of anything.

The reasons for this insanity are two-fold: one, more work and stuff due to clients and potential clients that I couldn't possibly deal with in the best of circumstances, and two, I was not very organized or diligent about hitting my own deadlines. It would have been bad anyway, but I made it worse.

Still, Big Presentation was a hit. Best ever. I'll know in a few weeks if the job is ours.

In the middle of all this, A* had a meltdown of sorts. He's been depressed and worried about his job situation (or lack thereof, come April). I've also not been a real participant in the household lately due to work and that has him irritated. He has other things going on, too, that he thinks I don't know about but I've known him for nine years, I'm his wife, I know. I'm not worried about it because I know it will pass, and I don't think we need to talk about it because really, it only has to do with me in a very peripheral way.

But the boy had a big explosion at me, in the middle of my aforementioned sleep-deprived week, in the middle of the night, and things went to a place they've never been before. After I stomped off to the TV room to cry myself to almost sleep, I managed to keep my cool for the most part, and gave him the space he obviously wanted, but it was incredibly painful and after about three days of it, I was very lonely and sad.

This does not bode well for what may come next: he may have a job offer in San Diego. It would be a good job. He will be closer to his father, who is old and sick. But we will be apart at a time when I desperately need him for the basics--love, support, fun--and then to help me keep my shit together because I'm not doing a very good job of it on my own. It will be fun to visit him in sunny So Cal (although I hate San Diego), but I don't really want to have to "visit" my husband.

Which is especially difficult to think about considering the other thing that has been occupying my mind this week is the thought of having babies. A year and a half ago we agreed that we would start trying at the beginning of 2002 no matter what was going on. I hadn't counted on running a company and not having a stable second income back then. It's not a good time. I know. But I'm caring less and less, especially when a close friend of A*'s just had a kid with his wife, A*'s younger cousin just had a little girl, three friends are pregnant, a half-dozen journalers are pregnant (which shouldn't matter, but I've been reading all the details and it makes me jealous), and my mother said something about grandchildren a week or so ago.

To do it just because other people are is stupid. And if there was nothing holding me back I would probably invent something. I've always thought we would just get pregnant for lack of preventing it. But we're still preventing, and I know it's the right thing to do, and I wish like hell I could find a way to justify being reckless with another person's life. But I can't. Because that's what this about: bring a life into the world before it's time. There's no way to justify that.

Daniel Pearl. I feel like I should write something...more about him. My parents are reporters. They lost a friend in a bombing in Central America when I was a kid. I remember it very clearly. I knew her, played with her son who was my age. This, somehow, is worse. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time, she wasn't really the target. Daniel clearly was. It was a message to us. I'm trying to hold onto my humanity, like I tried to do last fall, and remind myself that fullfilling my fantasies of...what I want done to his murderers will only perpetuate the horror. It's hard to do. I'm glad it's not really up to me what happens to these people.

But there are good things, too.

Polly's event, which she co-produced with my old boss from the Big Agency, went off beautifully. She is now a big rock star. It was a charity fundraiser where chefs and winemakers donated eats and drinks and there was music and dancing and all sorts of fabulous stuff. Since I was a helper I didn't eat much, although by the end of the night I'd had plenty to drink, especially at the post-party. Put simply, too much gin. Yikes. When will I learn that as yummy as gin and tonic is, I simply cannot handle the stuff?

The weather is beautiful. Clear blue sky, chilly, but not freezing. I think, though, that I'm the only one who is reminded of September 11th on days like this. For some reason, that clear, blue, planeless sky and the bright sunshine are a huge part of my memory of that day. Still, I force myself to enjoy it. If I can't enjoy a sunny day in Oregon, I have big problems. I keep concentrating on the bulbs, my new parking strip (in progress), the new plants I'll buy for the front yard someday, the seeds I need to start. Get back to participating in the cycle of life. If I can't start one for a human baby, I can start many with some cosmos and sunflowers. That's enough for now.

My little brother is coming into his own. He showed us his reel from the past semester of film school and he is a kick-ass editor. Truly talented. Amazing. Brings tears to my eyes.

My NYC skyline poster came. I haven't opened it yet. Haven't been in the mood. Don't know what the mood I'm waiting for.

So. Back 'round to work. User test today with Favorite Client went well, and we got more work out of it. Up sell on the current project, go ahead on a new one. Started new redesign project yesterday, start new user test today. Jesus. I may be able to make this thing fly after all. Who knew.

I think in the end, it's all going to be okay.

- februaru 26