january 20

truth and consequences

I’m riding this fine line between feeling really sorry for myself (for legitimate reasons) and counting my blessings. The problem I’m having is that the “blessings” are feeling less like blessings and more like distractions from the really bad shit. I’m thinking that I’m back in this place I’ve been before, where I look around and I think “How the hell did I get here? This isn’t what I had in mind.”

I learned long ago that life is about making choices. If you stick to your gut, do things even though they’re scary. And don’t be afraid to scrap all your well-laid plans if something better than you could ever dream up comes along.

I’ve done all these things. I’ve done the scary stuff (I do it everyday I wake up and go to my office), I’ve scrapped the long-standing plans in favor of a better deal (marriage vs. staying single, Portland vs. Someplace-I-Didn’t-Grow-Up-In, roots vs. wandering). The thing I haven’t been so hot at is following my gut. And that’s because sometimes I think my gut is absolutely insane. But this idea, this compulsion, comes around every 12-18 months and makes me think that this was all just a nice little diversion and now it’s time to get back on track and do it the way I’d planned from the time I was 10 years old.

And then I realize that isn’t really an option, I mean not immediately, and the process that I’d have to go through to make it a viable option would involve hurting other people, facing criticism and alienation from people I care about and need in my life, enduring much sacrifice, and would, realistically, take years to play out. A daunting realization. And it’s the same thing every time. I weigh the pros and cons. The cons overpower the pros in number and in severity. I calm down, concentrate on what’s good (or at least tolerable), it goes well for a while. And then I’m back to where I am.

I don’t know how to break this cycle without taking drastic measures. The prospect is so overwhelming. But then, maintaining the status-quo seems just as difficult with less payoff.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

- january 20