january 9

enough

Wow. Hi. I'm still here. Thanks for asking. I'm okay. Well, not really. And I haven't felt like dumping it all here. But maybe it would be good for me to do that. I'm just so sick of whining all the time. But really, this is turning into the worst time of my entire life. Even worse than that year in Chicago. Well, not quite that bad. I'm not alone like I was then. But really. This sucks.

A* lost his job on Monday. They're keeping him on through the month and then he gets at least 4 weeks severance (he's negotiating). But. Fuck. He's been our sole source of income these past few months. Things have been so lean here at The Boutique I haven't been taking a salary. So. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

We're both depressed. Why does this keep happening to us? I know there's no reason other than this economy is so awful right now. And it's not just us. It's everyone we know. But this all started more than two years ago and has been really scary for over a year now. I don't think I can take much more of this. I've felt desperate before, but I always had hope. Now, I barely have that.

My only hope right now is the two medium-sized projects we're pitching right now, but those could easily not happen. Our favorite client came back for more and we started that today. That brings us 25% to this quarter's goal, but with the sales cycle what it is, that isn't as great as it sounds.

I know this sounds really, really petty, but right now, the worst part is that I can't talk to anyone about this. It either scares the people whose jobs are still intact, but just barely. And for those who are out of work, most of them have been feeling this for months, or a year, and really don't have any energy to offer any sympathy. It's incredibly lonely. A* and I are trying really hard to be supportive of each other, but it's hard. We're doing it, even if supporting each other simply means cuddling on the couch watching TV.

Monday night, after A* got laid off, I drove home, chain smoking, trying to muster up supportive energy for him. Given I'd had my own hell day (idiot clients, programmers missing deadlines, *TWO* parking tickets, Polly telling me I should give up on my company, AND PMS), it was a challenge. Whenever I'm feeling sorry for myself like this, I try to remember all the people who are worse of than I am. These days it's not hard. Some wives are stressed about money because their husbands were killed in a terrorist attack. Some people don't have jobs because their office building doesn't exist anymore. Some people in Afghanistan don't have enough to eat and are resorting to making bread out of grass. They're watching their children starve to death.

So all this is going through my head as I'm driving home in the worst rainstorm we've had here in years, smoking like a chimney, then that U2 song "Stuck in a Moment" comes on. It's my anthem these days: You've Got To Get Yourself Together. I'm trying. I swear to God I'm really trying. But I start bawling so hard that I have to drive around for a few more miles so I don't go home to A* like this.

Please, please, please just tell me it doesn't get any worse than this. Whatever test this is, please just tell me what I have to do to be done with it. I've had enough.

- january 9