december 5

justified cowardice

At my high school reunion last August I saw a woman I'd been friends with in high school, in college and afterward. In fact, she and her then boyfriend, now husband, had been our best friends. Anna and Jake were in our wedding.

We hadn't spoken for almost four years. The friendship had never been that solid to begin with, although I could never really put my finger on why. A* got downright arrogant and nasty around them, for no apparent reason. I always kept my guard up with Anna, even in college, although I trusted Jake more. A* felt the opposite; I think he had a friend-crush on Anna and disliked Jake.

Out of nowhere, they freaked out on us. They said we were their only friends, which wasn't really true, and that we needed to spend more time with them. They accused us of putting work before the people in our lives. Neither of them were really happy with the work they were doing. We were disgusted with their clinginess and defensive about our choices to put a lot of energy into our careers.

So, about the time we moved into our house, we walked away from the relationship. It was a little sad, but also a relief. They required so much reassurance, and had expectations that not only did we not meet, but couldn't anticipate.

About two years later Anna emailed me. I'd just started with the Big Agency. She said that she had been thinking the reason we'd grown apart was because I'd been depressed and she was feeling bad that she hadn't been more sensitive to this.

On the one hand, I suppose that's considerate. She thought I had had bigger needs than she recognized and she was willing to apologize. But on the other hand, that wasn't it at all. This wasn't something that I caused, I hadn't had a problem. I told her that I'd be willing to get together with her, but that honestly, our lives had not really changed, we were still spending a lot of time at our jobs, and she would have to accept that.

She replied that I had a different idea of what friendship is and I didn't hear from her until the reunion.

When we ran into each other we embraced and I told her it was stupid that we weren't speaking. There is a lot of love there, I admit. But so much animosity. We had vastly different experiences of high school--she was quiet and in the shadows, I hung out with the big crowd. In college she was the darling of her department (for which I had very little respect), and had lots of friends. I only had a few friends, mainly because I didn't like most of the people at my school. We have experienced the last 15 years from very different vantage points.

So, in August, we had them over for breakfast. It went okay. The next week we went to their house for dinner. The old patterns emerged. It was fascinating. A* bragged about the job he was interviewing for, I pulled into myself, and was quiet.

We didn't talk to them for months after that. The 11th hit, life got crazy. I didn't need them and I didn't have the energy that I thought would be required to see them.

But then, I didn't want to be the one who cut off communication. Which is stupid. But I didn't want this to be my fault. So I emailed Anna. They were out of town, more email tag ensued over a few weeks. I was ready to see them, maybe for coffee. I told her we were available that weekend. But I didn't hear from her until the following Monday. This pattern has continued for the past month. I say we're free for the weekend, she gets back to me on Monday saying "Oops! Let's try again." It seems deliberate.

This feels doomed. I don't want to tell her everything I don't like about her because, well, she's not a bad person, just has a different way of dealing with friends and people. And I don't think there's any chance that either of us want to change for each other, or work at the relationship. Despite our history, there isn't much reward in it. At least not that I can see.

So now, I have to figure out if I want to officially cut it off with her, or if I can somehow keep this weak relationship where it is, freeing me from any responsibility or commitment. Even that requires energy and this is not where I want my energy going right now.

I feel deceitful and cowardly but at the same time completely justified. I don't know what's right.

- december 5