november 20

this and that

I've been meaning to post this hilarious piece I heard on This American Life a few weeks ago. It's one side of a conversation you might here if the world was run by post-debs. I can't send you to the direct link to the page because they put the damn thing if frames, but it's episode #198 entitled "How to Win Friends and Influence People." If you want to download the RealAudio file directly you can do it here. (Don't let the fact that the file opens up as #168 throw you. I think it's a typo.)

The piece is in Act Two, which means you'll have to listen to David Sedaris in Act One, but that's never a bad thing, is it?

This is the word that's been rolling around in my head ever since I heard this: "Co-a-lish." You'll see what I mean.

***

The hot springs were wonderful. Sort of. We got a much later start than we'd planned, mainly because I worked late Friday night and needed to sleep in. It didn't really matter, though, because we got there in time for the fabulous vegetarian buffet, which is half the experience of this resort, and we'd had enough hot water soaking and steam sauna before our day passes expired.

I'm not really sure, then, why I felt melancholy at the end of the day. Yes, my muscles were relaxed and my pores were cleared, but I still didn't feel energized like I usually do. Everyone there seemed to be lost and sad. Maybe it was the cold weather. Maybe it was the fact that there weren't many kids around. I don't know what it was exactly. It may have just been me. It didn't help that a fighter jet flew over when we were in the outdoor pools.

The whole experience seemed to open me up emotionally. I've been weepy and sensitive for weeks, months I guess, but I was feeling a little stronger at the end of the day and I felt like I was in touch with some concerns that I hadn't been able to deal with for a while. I tried to talk to A* about some things that had been on my mind. It didn't go very well, though, and I went to sleep feeling discouraged. We didn't fight, he just wasn't up to talking and withdrew.

Now I'm all tense with anxiety, bad anxiety. I laid awake last night wondering what I would do if I died in my house. Would I haunt it, to stay close to my husband? What if he sold it and new people moved in? Would I stick around to see what they're like? Would I fuck with them, try to scare them, or play practical jokes? When you're a ghost, do you worry about scaring people, or do you try hard not to bother people? These are the things I worried about. No shit. I think it has something to do with the fact that I started drinking St. John's Wort tea again (I finally found some at an online store), and it sometimes gives me anxiety attacks when I first start taking it regularly. It sucks, but it goes away after a week or so.

***

I'm not going to New York. I'm more upset about this than I thought I would be. My friends are fine, just busy. I can't go because I missed the window on the cheap tickets and, well, it's just as well because I can't even afford the cheap tickets right now anyway. I need to go, though. I need to see my friends and tell them how much I love them and I need to see it. You know, It. Somehow I think it will help me heal. That may not be true but it might. And right now I'll do whatever it takes to get through this. Even go see a counselor. I think that's a phone call I need to make today.

- november 20