november 16

alternatives

Last night I told A* he has hair like Bill Clinton. He does. It's gray, though without that blue cast Bill's often has (perhaps it's the stage lights we see him under?), and his is usually cut shorter and moves forward, rather than backward. But the texture and the color are like Bill's.

He was flattered and admired himself in the mirror for awhile. I laughed at him and teased him about how exciting that must to look like the man who can have any woman he wants. What he said, though, is that he wished he was half as smart as Bill is. Of course, my husband is a genius, but I know what he meant. I think we're both beginning to feel like our work and our lives are inconsequential, that we're not really making a contribution. Aaron thinks a lot about how much of his creative energy goes to waste. I think a lot about how my desire to "fix things" isn't being met.

His job just got changed to more of a sales role than a web designer role, which he's not thrilled about. He's also told me that he doesn't think this venture funded company is going to be around much longer. I wish I was in public policy, or working on a campaign. I used to tell myself that there's nothing wrong with working for Corporate America or advertising, and I believe that, but that doesn't mean that's what I should be doing.

I'd better just accept that these times of change and struggle are not over for us. Will they ever be? Who knows.

I've been overwhelmed all week. Not really doing all that I need to do. All these questions have been swirling around in my head, blocking my concentration. Part of me says I need a night out of partying with my friends, but everyone seems to have socked themselves away for hibernation. I think what I really need to do is make some hard decisions. Once I do that, and get on whatever path I'm supposed to be on, the rest will all fall into place. Right?

A* is going to NYC at the end of the month. I found a cheap ticket and want to go, although I don't want to stay with him and his team at their hotel. My two good friends in New York that I'd like to stay with, the one who works in mental health and the one whose company was 2 blocks from WTC, are unreachable. I'm worried. I think her company went under--their site is gone and they were essentially a dot com--and I imagine he's overwhelmed with the mental health needs of his community. They're also expecting a baby in the summer. I hope they're okay.

I swear, every day I try to think of something funny or upbeat to write here. There's a new journaler I've been reading who writes these very reflexive entries about how she feels about writing online, what she thinks about the journals she reads. She said something about how some journalers seem depressed all the time and when you call them on it they deny it saying that it just seems like they are because that's how they write.

Well, I'm pretty sure I'm actually depressed. It's not just how I write. I'm trying really hard to keep my head above water, but it may be time that I start seeing a pro about this. I need to quit avoiding these hard decisions I have to make. And I need some objective support during this process. I haven't wanted to make these changes because I'm afraid that I'll be derailing my career. I think it's time to accept that that's already happened and it's time for some creative alternatives.

But first, one last day of avoidance. Or, perhaps this is the day to get quiet in my head and see what ideas come to the surface. Tomorrow A* and I will spend the whole day at the hot springs resort. A much deserved break from reality.

- november 16