november 12

life goes on as usual

This time, I was more awake. I was snoozing, as usual, but I was more awake. Or, perhaps, I knew what to listen for. I know that what finally got me to open my eyes and start listening was the silence.

"Jim?"

Nothing.

"Jim? Can you hear me?"

Bob Edwards was trying to get some reporter named Jim to respond.

"I can hear you now," said Jim.

Then they said smoke over New York, said how that just doesn't look good, considering. Then plane crash. Like I had two months and one day ago I reached for the remote on my nightstand and switched on the TV. It was already on CNN because I've been watching CNN before I go to sleep every night.

All we could see was smoke rising over what looking like a peninsula, taken from a camera far away.

I didn't even bother waiting to see if they had more information. I know now that I can sit in front of the TV and I will see more planes fall out of the sky, or I won't. It will get more horrific, or it won't. Watching CNN won't help, won't change anything.

I got out of bed and got into the shower. I washed my hair, shaved my legs. As usual. Got out. Checked the TV once more. That neighborhood looks like the one I grew up in. Applied my alpha-hydroxy mask, brushed my teeth. As usual. Got dressed. Put makeup on. Fed cats. Gave antibiotics. Made my lunch. As usual.

The only thing that wasn't normal is that all of this was taking twice as long as it should have. And A* waited for me. If I'm not ready to leave at 7:45 he leaves without me. It was 8:20 when we left the house. I think I've learned that shock alters your sense of time.

We got mochas at the coffee shop two blocks from our house. Chatted with the young black guys who run this shop, which is owned by a church. We all agreed it was probably an accident. I didn't talk about the surface-to-air missiles because I know I'm an alarmist. They made my mocha with whipped cream because I forgot to tell them not to. I hate cheap whipped cream.

A* and I giggled about something at the bus stop. Sang "Electric Avenue" because it was in my head all weekend. The bus was empty, because we were late. We talked about the piece we'd seen on CNN last night that was basically about what an idiot George Bush is and the stupid things he says. A man on the bus with a loud voice discussed the crash with no one in particular.

At the transfer to the train I kissed my husband and gathered up all my bags. My 30-pound laptop and all my files. My purse I bought on September 12th at A's insistence so I could carry my cell phone with me at all times(it's at my office with a dead battery). My ChickClick lunch box that embarrasses my husband.

This is our life. It's all business as usual. The fact of the matter is that accidental plane crashes are a part of life in the modern world. And, for that matter, terrorist acts are a part of life in the modern world. At least they are now. Life goes on as usual all the same.

- november 12