october 22

life-altering decisions

Busy week. Crazy week. Sleepless week. Finished one project with a supremely happy client. Making good progress on another and discovering the challenges of working with a client who's out of town (in this case, L.A.). Returning clients are behaving as they usually do. Potential new clients who've never worked with an agency and don't know what to expect or ask for and have us running ragged.

Still, I can't afford to walk away from anything right now. Including the job interview I had last week. The second one.

The job itself does not excite me. It wouldn't be horrible, though, and wouldn't derail my career, at least I don't think it would. It's a great company which is the only reason I'm still considering it. Part of me says I have to take it so we can get out of debt. The other says I have to give The Boutique one last shot.

I don't know what to do. Part of me says I have to let the numbers decide. The other says that I've learned before that I have to let my heart guide me. And then that first part says, no, we've learned this year that financial security is a worthwhile goal and we have to give it priority. I don't know which side of myself to listen to.

As I started the fall yard cleanup on Sunday I pondered all of this until I couldn't remember which argument I was analyzing. I hacked back the roses, raked the yellow alder leaves out of the grass, worried about where I'd put all these new iris bulbs and tried to crunch the numbers in my head. All the while I knew that all I had to do is get back to selling hard again. As I bagged the wet leaves I thought about cold calls, meetings, the works, like I did in July. But then there's the sales cycle, which can be long. That might be the show stopper.

See what I mean? The answer seems clear, and then it's not. This is one of those times when I have to just go with something not knowing if it's right. And I hate that. I feel like that's what I've done for the last five years. And my choices were never as right as I wanted them to be.

- october 22