october 6

mindful

It's been a while. It's impossible to capture all that's happened in the six weeks and make it readable to anyone who doesn't know me well. Perhaps that's my challenge, as a writer, and I don't feel like stepping up to meet it. I think that's it. I've kept little notes, to remind me. Some things I will never forget. Some things I look back on and it's like I'm watching a movie of myself, unable to remember the feelings that accompanied the situation. At the time, there were no feelings, other than shock. Is shock and emotion? I think not. It's the absence of emotion.

Of course, I'm talking about September 11th. But I'm talking about many other things, too. Things that began before the 11th, but have suddenly taken up speed, have grown exponentially.

This journal has been a challenge for me. Anyone who's read through the brief archives can see this. I've never been good at writing my own feelings down and sharing them with strangers. In high school we were to keep a journal with certain classes, like Middle Eastern History and African Literature, to keep track of our intellectual and emotional growth. They were graded. I resented the hell out of that and was lousy at writing my reactions down and worse at turning them in, grade or no grade. It sounds petulant, I know. But there's still a little of that in me. If you know it all then, you know me. Why wouldn't I want anyone to know me? I think this is something I have to think about more.

I know I want to do this. I've wanted to do this for over two years. I think about it all the time. I used to keep a faithful paper diary and I know I was a healthier person for it. And with all that's going on, all the tears over lost jobs, laughter over the CEO who show up with chaw in hid lip, worry over the insecurity of every single aspect of our lives, I know this is a major turning point in my life and the lives of all the people around me. It's important to document this. Important just to have a record to show my children: "This is who I was when I was 27, settled (or not) in my marriage, building my career, surrounded by fabulous friends, facing the possibility of annihilation, wondering what was going to happen to us all, not entirely certain it would turn out okay." This is important because I know when I write, the truth comes out, whether I want it to or not. I don't know what's real and what's just paranoid worry anymore, but talking and writing seem to help be see through the fog and keep moving on.

And that's what this time is about: moving on. But more than that, it's about looking back, remembering what it is you set out to do in the first place, and getting back to it. Only now, we can all do it better because we know better. As much as this time is about doing, it's also about knowing. This is no time for living in the sweet comfort of denial.

Years ago, when I was tired of my job at The Big Post House and was recovering from my worst depression to date I had this horoscope which never really seems to lose its relevancy:

"You're feeling a shift in priorities and you're making adjustments accordingly. Strengthen your resolve as you sharpen your vision. Get a clear idea of what you want, and magnify your manifesto to get it. Go for it with lust and gusto--whatever it takes, within reason. You took a detour a while back, and now up ahead you spy an oasis."