august 20

whiney brat

I can't think of anything more depressing in regards to this fucked up economy than this: The Layoff Tracker and Flop Tracker at The Standard aren't being updated anymore because The Standard went under. How sad is that?

It's not that The Standard is a bellwether company or anything like that. They succumbed to rapid growth and waste along with drastically reduced advertising revenue, just like everyone else. But now where am I going to get my bad, depressing, hopeless news that makes me think I should go back to working for the Gap? Oh, wait. They're hurting, too. Who's actually doing well in this economy? Therapists? Liquor stores?

and now it hits me, again

And now this dreary time has caught up with me. Or rather, I finally have to face that it's caught up with me. While we have work at The Boutique, it's not enough to keep my fully employed. The Boss has let me stay for the last month telling me that if I find work, I get to work. Since that hasn't been going as well as we hoped, and I suppose I could work harder at it (although part of the reason I haven't is because it just seems hopeless), I can't be there full time anymore. I'll continue handling the internal marketing communications but after I finish my current project--which rocks by the way, and that fact is making this all the more frustrating--I'm no longer full-time. I'm working out a deal where I'll actually earn some kind of commission if I bring in work, especially since the kind of work I can most likely find for The Boutique won't require a full-time project manager. I don't want to find them work and then not get paid for it, no matter how much I believe in this company.

I've been working on my resume for the last few days. It's taking me a while because a) I couldn't find a copy of it and I haven't seen it in two years so I didn't remember what it said, and b) I don't want to look for another job. I love the one I have. I love it more than any other job I've ever had. But eventually I found a copy (my sweet husband had one that I'd sent to him furtively when I had to clean off my laptop after The Bad Agency laid me off) and I've been updating it and tailoring it for the kind of jobs I think I can get right now.

It's easy to write a resume when you feel unappreciated at your company and know you're ready for a new challenge. It's very hard when you're not sure what people want from you and you feel like you haven't really mastered your present job and you're looking at applying to companies solely because they're the only ones hiring, not because you think you're going to love going to any of those places every freaking morning of your life.

eating should be enough motivation, but...

Everything I see out there look incredibly boring and uninspiring. All the cool companies are gone or downsizing. But I have to find something, and I just have to accept that I'll probably have to take something less than ideal. I'll have to approach this like I did when I graduated from school: just go for the experience. Not only am I thinking about what I'm qualified for but where I could improve my chops.

Then I'm thinking of working in a restaurant or retail. Something mindless. Something I can walk away from whenever I want to. But really, it would be better for me in the long run to seek project work and hope I can go back to managing projects at The Boutique in a few months.

and still thinking about vincent

He's in my thoughts everyday. The shock is finally wearing off. I no longer concoct these scenarios in my head where I go to the homeless newspaper office and find him there and we become this crack team of reporters covering poverty and social justice issues. Or that I find him in Forest Park, sick and disoriented, and take him home and feed him and get him to medical and psychiatric help. I know those things would never have happened no matter what I'd done. The most I probably could have hoped to do for him is just let him know that I cared. I hope that wherever he is he knows that. I've seen some things, things I can't explain, and I think he does know.

do you feel sorry for me yet?

Goddamn, I'm a whiney brat. I make it sound like I've got it really hard. This is hard: A and I watched something on PBS the other night about families in pioneer times and how one bad winter killed most of their livestock, they had to burn their furniture for heating fuel, they ran out of flour and ate treebark or something like that, and then those that survived died of typhoid in the Spring.

I have great friends, a wonderful marriage, a solid education and interesting and varied work experience. I'll be fine as soon as I quit feeling sorry for myself.