august 2

escape

First vacation I've had all year and I have now *five* proposals to write. Only three of them are really serious; of the other two one can't afford us and the other we'll probably do for love, or rather, food, since it's for a restaurant, the very best one in town, in fact. Even on that last one, though, there's competition. We have several distinct competitive advantages, though, so I'm not that worried about it. And, of course, I'm just happy to have something to bid on.

On top of all that I have to re-write our main collateral piece, get serious about rewriting the Web site content and start segmenting prospects and send a spread sheet to The Boutique's advisory board. I have no idea if I'll be able to do this. I've made one promise to myself, though: I can only work while the car is moving. As soon as we're camped or when we get to our friends' house in San Jose, I'm not working. Well, I might check email, but that's it.

We're going to camp somewhere in Southern Oregon on the coast. I was too disorganized and lazy to make reservations at a site so I hope we find a spot to pitch the tent. Since it's Thursday night I hope it won't be too big of a problem. And I hope if we do spend half the night finding a place to lay our heads A* doesn't blame me.

We'll get up early Friday morning, drink our coffee on the beach (that's the only expectation I'm allowing for this trip) and then we'll drive down Highway 1 to the Bay Area. My cousin's wedding is Saturday morning so I hope we don't find ourselves rolling into our friends' driveway at 1 AM or anything ridiculous like that. I've never taken this route before but I know it will take significantly longer than driving I-5. I think the scenery will be worth it.

On our way back the Bay Area. The last time I was there was just about a year ago and was my first time back since I'd graduated from Mills in 1995. At the time I was at the end of my rope with my job at The Big Agency and was reduced to a little puddle of exhaustion. I was thinking about what I'd done in the five years since I'd graduated and how I was clearly on the wrong path. Looking back, I wasn't exactly on the wrong path, but it was definitively time to find a new one. I also realize, now, that I didn't work very hard to do that. It was two more months before I left, or was laid off, and that was only a good thing because another opportunity had landed in my lap, which was this job.

Last year, I was only focused on surviving that place. I was burned out and, although I knew I had some control over the situation, I blamed a lot of other people for sucking me into that hell. I wasn't actively looking for a way out, that new path. That's the difference between now and then. Now, things aren't great at work, but I know I have some power over the situation and I can make it better if I try really hard. I go up and down in my enthusiasm to make that happen; whether I'm up or down is directly related to how deep in denial I am about money, although the relationship isn't what you'd think it would be. You'd think I'd work harder when I'm most worried, but really, the fear just paralyzes me. I have to get over that. I've taken steps this week to make things more comfortable for A* and me personally, so I'm feeling a little better about that.

I spent a lot of time last year thinking about Mills and how disappointed I was with that school. This year, I'm over it, mostly. Although I spaced on it and didn't go, the school held what sounded like an exciting fund raiser at the Art Museum here with a private viewing of an art critic's collection. And I read an incredibly inspirational piece in Fortune about an SAP sales person who graduated from Mills. There's no sense in me spending the rest of my life pissing and moaning about how the girls didn't play nice in college. How lame is that? And hypocritical, too. My main gripe with the women in school was how they always played the victim, which is exactly how I've been acting for the last six years. Ugh. I just now realized that. How embarrassing. There are a lot of smart and exciting women who came out of Mills and it would do me some good to find them and use that connection. Having contacts when you graduate is half the reason you pay $30 thousand a year to go to a prestigious private school, isn't it?

I feel like I should be more excited about this trip. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm not seeing it as a real vacation from work, even though that's exactly what I've been craving for weeks. It feels like it's just going to be a change of scenery, a few days to block out the worries. I just know that they'll still be there under the surface and they'll still be here when I get back.