august 1

that which does not kill us...

Reading back through this journal, which has spanned 10 months, I realized there are gaping holes in the narrative, if you can even call it that. For those of you playing at home, here are the episodes you missed:

November, 1999 - I take a job as sole Producer in a two-person Web design firm. It seemed like a low-risk way to make the switch from television to Internet work. Little did I know…

January, 2000 - My little company is acquired by a really, really big company. They want us for our “creativeness.” Flattering, eh? Over the next 11 months I struggle in a position for which I’m mostly unprepared in a company that doesn’t have a clear plan (or at least didn’t share it with me), but persevere out of a misguided sense of loyalty. I learned tons, met lots of talented people, made truly wonderful friends, and was ready to leave when they were ready for me to leave. It all worked out in the end.

Meanwhile, I neglected my marriage, my friends, my house and myself. I developed an annoying case of insomnia that compounded my misery. I was incredibly fortunate in that when it was all over everyone forgave me and I was able to put my life back together in quick order. I’m truly blessed to have such supportive people in my life.

The only non-work activities I can remember from this period are a road trip to the Bay Area, our anniversary camping trip, and lots of wine.

November, 2000 - I go to work on a contract basis for a very small Web boutique firm on a high-budget project for a multi-national company. I put all my hard-earned lessons from the last gig to work and successfully manage a complex project with many players and squishy requirements, no small feat. Until, that is, the project is cancelled two months later. Bummer.

Still, despite my precarious job situation, life is good. Because I have more time for him and I don't bitch about my job all the time anymore, A* and I reconnect in ways I never thought we would again. I see friends, make new ones, clean my house and meet my neighbors.

March, 2001 - The intensive house makeover begins. We landscape the front yard. We have the exterior painted. Since my job is still iffy, we spend money we really shouldn't be spending, or rather, we go deep into debt. Whee!

This summer -- I've overcome my most debilitating adult fear: putting myself out there, taking chances, doing things before I'm ready, taking risks. I've always wanted to be *absolutely ready* before I did something to ensure that I didn't fail. Well, what that usually meant is that I didn't do anything but the same shit that had been boring me to insanity for years. Over the past few months I've met amazing people, people who've helped me by being generous with their time and their wisdom, by letting me know that I really am cut out for this Internet business (even though I desperately want to get out of it and into something more "reliable," if there is such a thing these days) and that I have what it takes to go far. These same people have also furrowed their brows at me and told me when I was off track and set me straight. What more could anyone ask for?

I don't know what the future holds. I'm pretty sure the immediate future is not going play out like I've been hoping it would, jobwise, that is. But I just have to trust that it's going to work out the way it's supposed to, that the skills and confidence I've acquired this year will be put to good use, and I'll just keep learning more.

***

Evening update: Right after I posted all that my boss came back from a meeting with a possible biz dev guy who seems very promising. I'm trying not to get too excited, but it seems like a possibility at least. And, despite the fact that I'm taking my first vacation in 12 months, I have four proposals to write by next week. I think A* might be okay with me working during our drive down to Santa Clara as long as there's a possibility of it leading to $$$.