Wednesday I found out my dad is to have emergency bypass surgery this morning. My immediate reaction was fear, tears, anger. Anger that if it was not for my stepmother I would not even know about the surgery. Anger that he didn't want me there.

This is a little raw and clumsy right now...I'll write about more about this when I've got some clarity...I thought about how I hadn't spoken to him since July or August. I thought about how I'd wanted to admonish A*'s cousins for their stupid family fued but didn't because I was guilty of the same selfish behavior. I thought about how all week I'd meant to call my dad and didn't.

And I thought about my little brother and his ongoing struggle with my dad. I knew he would have the hardest time with this. I was right.

- october 20